My heart: beautiful, trusting and child-like.
It will hope.
and hope some more.
and hope one last time until the door is completely shut in my face.
He said he needed time to think and would be in touch.
Bing: (holy shit this text could change everything)
I AM NOT CALLING. I DO NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. BE WELL.
No way around that clarity.
I just pretend coolness as I’m hanging out with my best friends 16-year-old son watching Game of Thrones.
but my heart can’t deny.
she tightens
she squeezes
she hurts.
I tell her, “Not now!”
So a week and a half later walking through the cold ass streets of Manhattan during some Polar whatever the fuck it breaks open.
and comes out all over my face.
strong rivers of grief
snot
hiccups cause I can’t breathe.
one of the things I used to love about living in NYC is no one will disrupt a meltdown on the street. they barely notice anything beyond their incessant text messages.
but I am here
my pain is real
this growing-pain is happening.
one man looks up, notices and quickly looks away. resuming his finger aerobics because whatever comes across that tiny screen is safer than a girl having a breakdown walking toward him.
The cold wind whips at my face and I know that I just have to let it out. I am the girl that has been so strong for so long and for everyone else. I sponsor, counsel, share, listen and loose myself a little more each day hiding in everyone else.
There is no where to hide right now.
I am standing on the street, tears running down my face and completely exposed
My heart screams out loud in the freezing cold and I hear the words come out of my mouth:
“This HURTS”
and I hear what I just said. I listen. I feel the hurt and I care that I be soothed.
I detour into a bakery to get out of the cold and order a hot coffee and donut. That is what my heart is asking for and I am listening. As the hot and sweet fill my body I feel the wave of grief start to drift back out to sea.
And for the first time, instead of texting him, I feel my own hand with my little turquoise fingernails cover my heart and I whisper, “I’m here.”
