Going Home

by Therese Plummer

The discharge day from Rehab arrived and she was packing up her clothes into the duffel she borrowed from her little brother. Old purple corduroys, beat up t-shirts from grateful dead shows and a string of boys throughout the summer months she ‘borrowed’ from.

Prized possessions.

She went into the communal bathroom to get her tooth brush and toothpaste. Just then she heard three large black birds cawing outside the window and in that moment she looked up and locked gazes with her reflection in the mirror. Haunting, empty and the saddest hazel eyes. She squeezed her eyes tight and a primal scream tore out of her throat. That, right there, was what she was running from. Whatever stared back at her in that mirror. That was the enemy. She threw her tooth brush at it and screamed until she was in a ball on the grimy bathroom floor shared by six other patients. Rocking back and forth and whimpering like an injured animal. She knew she had to go, there was no more money to pay for her to stay, but she was deathly afraid and especially of that reflection.

The counselor, Fiona, found her there on the floor rocking and whimpering. She knelt down and gently touched her hair. She whispered words that brought everything she feared, felt and dreaded into a balloon of hope. Fiona said, “I know.” Then she said, “I felt this exact same way twenty years ago when I was getting discharged into the world. All I kept thinking is what will be different? How will I stay away from the booze and drugs and how will it be ok? My life is a total train wreck how will anything be ok? And then my counselor gave me two bits of advice I will tell you now.

Fiona was rubbing small soothing circles on her back and she could feel the intense emotion slowly ebbing and flowing into soft hiccups of emotion. Fiona handed her a tissue and said, “Now listen here baby girl, If you feel uncomfortable? Good, it means you are changing. And whatever your head tells you to do just do the opposite. These two bits kept my ass safe for a while until I could get some recovery underneath me. And as always you are not alone. Please hear that. You are not alone unless you choose to be. We are all here to help you.”

She hugged Fiona fiercely, wanting to bring the counselor home with her to keep her safe and secure. She knew that was not happening. She knew her mother waiting in the beat up station wagon downstairs to bring her home was the reality. She knew that half her siblings would be partying when she went home. She knew she would go back into a painful place. She also knew, because of Fiona, that she was not alone. She would never be alone again unless she chose to be.

She stood up, wiped her tears, hugged Fiona one last time and walked out the door.